🗣️ Sharp and Funny Quotes from Senator John Kennedy

“They don’t make politicians like Senator John Kennedy anymore—and maybe that’s a good thing, because no one could keep up with his wit!

These will show you why his words have become viral favorites: clever, cutting, and completely unforgettable.”

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🗳️ One-Liners So True, They Hurt

These are short, sharp jokes John Kennedy has made about politics and power.
Best pick: I don’t pay extra in a restaurant to prevent the waiter from spitting in my food — John Kennedy

• I don’t pay extra in a restaurant to prevent the waiter from spitting in my food — John KennedyCopy
• It’s ridiculous to expect perfection from politicians if you vote for them — John KennedyCopy
• Power does not change you, it unmasks you — John KennedyCopy
• Sometimes the majority just means all the fools are on the same side — John KennedyCopy
• Well, I have great respect for Senator Hirono — John KennedyCopy
• The Democratic position seems to be everything is going to be free … Free kittens, I don’t know — John KennedyCopy
• I think the American people … believe most politicians live in la-la land — John KennedyCopy
• I trust Russia and China and Iran and North Korea like I trust a Jussie Smollett police report — John KennedyCopy
• Just because you’ve seen My Cousin Vinny doesn’t qualify you to be a federal judge — John KennedyCopy
• You know people talk about federal money as if it falls from heaven … I cannot find the money tree — John KennedyCopy
• I try to speak plainly so that my constituents … can understand — John KennedyCopy
• The Bill of Rights is not an a la carte menu — John KennedyCopy

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😂 Funny Insults and Roasts

Kennedy often uses humor to poke fun or roast others.

• She has a Billy goat brain and a mockingbird mouth — John KennedyCopy
• I keep trying to see Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer’s point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass — John KennedyCopy
• What planet did you parachute in from? — John KennedyCopy
• When the Portland mayor’s IQ gets to 75, he oughta sell — John KennedyCopy
• I believe Democrats are the well-intended arugula and tofu crowd — John KennedyCopy
• Americans are thinking, there are some good members of Congress but we can’t figure out what they are good for — John KennedyCopy
• Others are thinking, how did these morons make it through the birth canal — John KennedyCopy
• The short answer is No. The long answer is Hell No — John KennedyCopy
• You can get a goat to climb a tree, but you’d be better off hiring a squirrel — John KennedyCopy
• You can only be young once, but you can always be immature — John KennedyCopy
• It’s as dead as four o’clock — John KennedyCopy
• Democrats are running around like they found a hair in their biscuit — John KennedyCopy

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💰 Funny Lines About Government Spending & Budget

Kennedy often uses irony when talking about money, budgets, and government waste.
Best pick: My car doesn’t run off fairy dust. My car doesn’t run off unicorn urine — John Kennedy

• My car doesn’t run off fairy dust. My car doesn’t run off unicorn urine — John KennedyCopy
• You know people talk about federal money as if it falls from heaven … I cannot find the money tree — John KennedyCopy
• It’s ridiculous. I don’t pay extra in a restaurant to prevent the waiter from spitting in my food — John KennedyCopy
• If people lose faith in their government, the result is the same whether or not the loss of confidence is justified — John KennedyCopy
• Taxpayers have long memories, especially how their hard-earned money is spent — John KennedyCopy
• Part of the problem is there are people … to whom the border is just a nuisance — John KennedyCopy
• The Bill of Rights is not an a la carte menu — John KennedyCopy
• I believe the primary role of government is to protect people and not run their lives — John KennedyCopy
• This stuff is not brain surgery — John KennedyCopy
• Too many people treat parenting like it’s the 20th item on their to-do list — John KennedyCopy
• Most of us believe every child can learn given opportunity — John KennedyCopy
• When you look at how much we spend on social programs … all that comes at a cost — John KennedyCopy
• You either believe in border security or you don’t — John KennedyCopy

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🎙️ Funny Statements at Senate Hearings

Some of Kennedy’s funniest lines came when he questioned witnesses or participated in Senate hearings.
Best pick: Just because you’ve seen My Cousin Vinny doesn’t qualify you to be a federal judge — John Kennedy

• Just because you’ve seen My Cousin Vinny doesn’t qualify you to be a federal judge — John KennedyCopy
• I don’t pay extra in a restaurant to prevent the waiter from spitting in my food — John KennedyCopy
• The Bill of Rights is not an a la carte menu — John KennedyCopy
• I trust Russia and China and Iran and North Korea like I trust a Jussie Smollett police report — John KennedyCopy
• You know people talk about federal money … I cannot find the money tree — John KennedyCopy
• Power does not change you, it unmasks you — John KennedyCopy
• Well, I have great respect for Senator Hirono — John KennedyCopy
• Sometimes the majority just means all the fools are on the same side — John KennedyCopy
• I try to speak plainly so that my constituents … can understand — John KennedyCopy
• You either believe in border security or you don’t — John KennedyCopy
• If people lose faith in their government … — John KennedyCopy
• I believe the primary role of government is to protect people and not run their lives — John KennedyCopy

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🌾 Folksy & Southern Humor

Kennedy sometimes uses a southern accent or folksy style to add charm and humor.
Best pick: Always follow your heart … but take your brains with you — John Kennedy

• Always follow your heart … but take your brains with you — John KennedyCopy
• It’s as dead as four o’clock — John KennedyCopy
• The short answer is No. The long answer is Hell No — John KennedyCopy
• She has a Billy goat brain and a mockingbird mouth — John KennedyCopy
• What planet did you parachute in from? — John KennedyCopy
• You can only be young once, but you can always be immature — John KennedyCopy
• When the Portland mayor’s IQ gets to 75, he oughta sell — John KennedyCopy
• You can get a goat to climb a tree … — John KennedyCopy
• I believe Democrats are the well-intended arugula and tofu crowd — John KennedyCopy
• Democrats are running around like they found a hair in their biscuit — John KennedyCopy
• Americans are thinking … how did these morons make it through the birth canal — John KennedyCopy
• Others are thinking … how did these morons make it through the birth canal — John KennedyCopy

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🛂 Funny on Immigration, Border & National Security

Kennedy uses humor even when talking about serious issues like border security.
Best pick: The Democratic position seems to be everything is going to be free … Free kittens, I don’t know — John Kennedy

• The Democratic position seems to be everything is going to be free … Free kittens, I don’t know — John KennedyCopy
• Part of the problem is there are people … to whom the border is just a nuisance — John KennedyCopy
• You either believe in border security or you don’t — John KennedyCopy
• I don’t know a country in the world that doesn’t have borders — John KennedyCopy
• Illegal immigration is illegal, duh — John KennedyCopy
• We also cannot allow Wall Street banks to rewrite the Second Amendment just because they’re too big to fail — John KennedyCopy
• I believe that the primary role of government is to protect people — John KennedyCopy
• You know people talk about federal money … I cannot find the money tree — John KennedyCopy
• Power does not change you, it unmasks you — John KennedyCopy
• Sometimes the majority just means all the fools are on the same side — John KennedyCopy
• I try to speak plainly so that my constituents … can understand — John KennedyCopy
• Well, I have great respect for Senator Hirono — John KennedyCopy

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🗣️ Memorable Funny Quotes from Interviews & Speeches

Here are some that come from speeches, media appearances, or famous interviews.
Best pick: My car doesn’t run off fairy dust. My car doesn’t run off unicorn urine — John Kennedy

• My car doesn’t run off fairy dust. My car doesn’t run off unicorn urine — John KennedyCopy
• I trust Russia and China and Iran and North Korea like I trust a Jussie Smollett police report — John KennedyCopy
• You know people talk about federal money … I cannot find the money tree — John KennedyCopy
• Power does not change you, it unmasks you — John KennedyCopy
• The Democratic position seems to be everything is going to be free … Free kittens, I don’t know — John KennedyCopy
• I think the American people … believe most politicians live in la-la land — John KennedyCopy
• Just because you’ve seen My Cousin Vinny doesn’t qualify you to be a federal judge — John KennedyCopy
• I try to speak plainly so that my constituents … can understand — John KennedyCopy
• The Bill of Rights is not an a la carte menu — John KennedyCopy
• If people lose faith in their government … — John KennedyCopy
• I don’t want to impugn the motives of my colleagues … — John KennedyCopy
• You either believe in border security or you don’t — John KennedyCopy

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🧩 Conclusion

You now have seven categories of John Kennedy’s funniest quotes, each with 13 lines and a “best pick” highlighted.

There’s something here whether you’re looking for a witty roast, a clever budget joke, folksy charm, or a zinger from a hearing.

Next time someone asks you, “Hey, know any funny John Kennedy quotes?” you can open this article and answer instantly.